So 2018, started as every other year had. I was at church, bringing in the New Year. Our annual New Year’s Eve service was one I’d always anticipate. I was eager for the coming year. However, the excitement would’t last long. January was rough. The first two weeks of the year, I was super sick, like the can’t breathe, can’t eat, losing weight (even when you’re not trying to), kind of sick. It was horrible. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so sick, nevertheless, I recovered.

February was frustrating. I was scheduled to have a robotic myomectomy (fibroids removed). This would be my first ever surgery. I felt mentally ready and at peace, until my body decided otherwise. Unexpectedly, the day before my surgery I experienced a serious problem. I make it through the day, and arrive the next morning at the hospital. After being prepped, I was given unfortunate news. I lost so much blood the day prior that they would have to reschedule my surgery. As a result, I was admitted into the hospital so that I could be given 3 bags of blood.

March was promising. I was able to have a successful surgery. It took nearly a month before I would experience a decrease in pain that (for me), was tolerable. Then….came….May.  It was May 18th, a Friday evening. I had planned to go to church, but I would never make it.  However, I did, make it to the hospital. At the hospital I arrived bloody, partially toothless, BUT alive!!! That Friday night, the carelessness of one driver, altered my entire life. My new routine included many visits to various doctors, as well as the dentist.

I couldn’t quite process the reality of what the year had become. Several months went by, and slowly, I began to feel as though I was recovering physically. Mentally and emotionally, not so much. I started noticing feelings and thoughts that were super foreign to my character and nature as one who believes and trusts in God. 

Things that would never bother me, began to frustrate me on a great level. Nine times out of ten, I’m always in a good mood. I try my hardest to be intentionally kind to others. Mostly because I want to be approachable. I try to live a life that allows others to find safety in trusting me to be an ear, or to give advice, when needed. Life circumstances have a way of making one feel isolated and alone. I never want to add to this problem.

During this season, I’d wake up, almost daily, with a sour, piss-pore attitude. My self-esteem was beneath the floor, and any hope I had for a great year, had diminished altogether. I was angry and bitter and I didn’t know why. Unfortunately, accidents happen. I WAS alive! I could’ve died, but because of God’s grace and protection, I was still here. Of course, all I could focus on was all that I felt like I was losing. It seemed like God was NOT doing what He had promised! My teeth would be replaced. My busted lip and fractured jaw would heal, but my mind and emotions, were far from intact.

Let me be very clear, when we are not well mentally or emotionally, most likely our hearts can’t be trusted. By that I mean our motives, our actions, and what we say. What we do, what we think of ourselves, and how we experience people is a direct extension of the state of our hearts. The bible tells us that “The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick: who can understand it?.” (Jeremiah 17:9) This was the case for me. My heart had become sick. Sick with anger and bitterness! Even I didn’t trust me. 

I didn’t trust my decisions, because they were coming from an unhealed place. Being anger and bitter was foreign to me. I didn’t want to do many of the things that once brought me joy. One of them being church. During that time, I only went to church for two reasons, 1. This was my way of trying to find wholeness again. I knew if I could get into God’s presence, something would change, because I certainly wasn’t spending time with Him at home.  2. I knew that if I stopped going to church, my friends would ask questions.

Yeah, I have THOSE friends. The ones who will call to find out where I was if I missed church. Sounds intrusive? Nah, we’re family, and we look out for one another like that! I knew if they noticed my absence, I would have to address what was REALLY going on, so I kept hiding, in plain sight! The neurologist called it PTSD. However, unresolved disappointment was the real root.

Years of failed expectations, personal failures, and unanswered prayers were finally surfacing. Honestly, I felt my emotions were valid. I had been doing all I knew. Yet, nothing was working the way I thought it would. I knew I couldn’t continue this way, because had I, things would only get worse. Mental dis-ease is a real thing. Anger and bitterness are significantly less severe from other cases of mental health shortcomings, but I assure you, if you prolong addressing the health of your mind and emotions, they will only continue to grow. 

What you feed will live! What you starve will die! In trying to find some sense of healing, I began to get back to journaling. I love writing my thoughts, my prayers, and my emotions on paper. It’s therapeutic for me. Journaling and prayer began to open up the portal of communication with me and God again.

Prayer, and intentional quiet time is vital for me. I had to acknowledge the lies that I believed about myself. I needed to confront how disappointed I really was in how my life had unfolded over the last 7 plus years. It took me a very long time to get to a place where I began to feel whole again. I would love to tell you that overnight God healed my ugly, messed up, broken-heart, but that’s not the case. 

It has taken me so much time to get to the place I am now. It only takes a moment to plant a seed. The anger and bitterness that had surfaced was the sum of years, and years of growing disappointment that went unaddressed. Sis, don’t be discouraged if change isn’t instantaneous for you. If you’re like me, you don’t want to destroy these types of issues just at the surface. Real healing has to begin at the root. 

Let me encourage you with this, it’s ok to NOT be ok! Maybe 2020, has been what 2018, was for me. Hard seasons aren’t fun to deal with. Prayer, and time with God is an answer, and the start to healing, but allow me to share a few practical resources that helped me:

1. Separate yourself from anything, or anyone that further waters the “seeds” of anger and bitterness. Identify any self-sabotaging areas in your life that are continuing to feed your mind and emotions.

2. Take the day, even moments as they come. Don’t overwhelm your mind with what you can’t control. We can’t always control what happens TO us, but we can make small changes that ultimately affect how we respond to difficulty.

3. Be honest with yourself. Identify whatever the root is. Confront it, and confess the word of God over your life in that area!

Sis, I promise that God has your best interest at heart. His plans are to sustain you. The Bible says that He is a jealous God, not a selfish one! Know that He doesn’t withhold any good thing from us, and that living for Him means laying down our will, our plans, and our expectations. He knows how He has planned our lives. No matter what has happened, He will work everything for our good!! 2018 didn’t kill me. It wasn’t suppose to. Instead it built me. It did me a favor. It healed me.