If you know me personally, then you know that suicide is a pain-point for me. It burdens me on a great level when others wrestle with hopelessness. I’m saddened when others don’t have a safe space to be honest about where they are, or what they’re feeling for the sake of not making others uncomfortable.  I can’t seem to remember whether or not I was 14 or 15, but I do remember with clarity the moment the idea of taking my life was planted in my mind.

Growing up it was just me and my sister. My mom was a single parent. I was young when my parents divorced, but my dad was always present. Let me be clear. I had a good childhood. I was raised in a loving home. I had a loving family, and parents. At a very early age, I have vivid memories of going to church, and singing in the junior choir.  I loved going to church. Our visits lessened as I got older, but I was aware that Jesus was very much real. 

Despite having a decent upbringing, during my early teenage years, my demeanor became piss poor. My mouth was reckless. For whatever reason, my mom and I were not on the same page. We butted heads constantly, and seemingly about nothing. I was a child. Void of any real responsibilities. Yet, full of distain for what my life was not.

With intention I mentioned being raised in church to illustrate the fact that I was very much convicted with the idea that suicide, in my eyes, was not only wrong to the Christian belief, but that death in this manner would risk eternity in hell. I wrestled with this decision. Until one day, I heard a voice. It was sinister, but clear and surprisingly calm. I remember hearing “if you die and go to hell, hell will be better than where you are right now.”

I hadn’t heard it before, nor have I heard since. I toiled with what devastation I’d encounter on the other side of my decision, but I didn’t consider what the outcome of this decision would do to those that remained. To those that loved me. By the grace of God, my body rejected the countless pills I took, and the poison that should’ve very well killed me.

Now that I’m older, I understand the importance of having an identity rooted in truth. I see the value in having a safe place to share my heart with others. Perhaps you’re wrestling with suicidal thoughts, but understand that committing suicide is a decision. Hear me, you can make a different decision! I would ask that you consider the emotion behind your suicidal thoughts. If you want to put suicide to death, I urge you to get to the root of your suicidal thoughts.

Even though I was a child, I felt hopeless, and instead of submitting my thoughts TO God, I allowed my thoughts and feelings to become my God, and I did what they told me to do! Hopelessness isn’t a person, it’s a feeling. If we’re not careful, we will get stuck in a moment, and the overwhelming presence of hopelessness will flood us to the point we will not be able to see beyond our present circumstances.

Some of us have placed our hope in our circumstance, and not in Jesus Himself. Hope is rooted in what we can not see. When hope is misplaced, and not in Jesus, we open the door to hopelessness the second our situation doesn’t change when we expect it to. I would even argue that feeling hopelessness is just an indicator that you’re lacking the truth.

In the seasons that I’ve felt hopeless, it’s been in the moments that I either believed a lie, or I didn’t know the truth. The truth is, because of Jesus, we have a reason to hope. Jesus IS our literal hope. No matter how hopeless you may feel, I promise you can overcome and defeat it. I encourage you to rehearse the truth over your situation. Honestly, it’s not enough to just believe it, you need to speak it! Out loud. Write it down if necessary. Do whatever you can do to declare the truth over your life!

This year has been a monster. Many are facing challenges we’ve never encountered. I pray that we’re learning to protect our hearts, and our minds in this ever-changing climate. I pray that we plant our thoughts in the truth of the word! Below, are a few scriptures that will edify you if you are wrestling with hopelessness in this season.

For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth. (Psalm 71:5 NKJV)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NLT)

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, Therefore I hope in Him!” (Lamentations 3:24)